Made to Wait

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There are times in life when we are made to wait.

Waiting in line at an amusement park. Waiting for the McRib to come back. Waiting for the next season of your favorite show on Netflix. Waiting at the DMV. Waiting on a job promotion. Waiting for the baby to arrive. Waiting in traffic. Waiting to find the one you hope to spend the rest of your life with. Waiting for the lines to appear on a pregnancy test. Waiting for the adoption to be finalized. Waiting by a loved one’s bedside during their final days. Waiting for a job offer after a period of unemployment. Waiting for the ultrasound to show your baby’s heartbeat.

Waiting for the test results to come back.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

It is an inevitable part of living.

It’s where we are stretched and tried. It’s where tremendous growth can happen. It’s also where we find peace – as we put our faith and trust in the goodness of God, knowing He has a plan and that His plan and His ways are always perfect.

And it is where anxiety has the potential to creep in, take hold and suffocate us if we aren’t careful.

It’s where I have found myself many times in my life – and it is where I am today.

Waiting.

The mammogram results were abnormal. The diagnostic mammogram was cause for suspicion. The ultrasound, too.

A biopsy has been scheduled.

“In my opinion, there is a 20% chance it’s cancer. And an 80% chance it’s not,” said the radiologist.

Oh. That’s good. I mean as far as percentages go.

But wait – I may have cancer.

I’ve never really thought this before, and now I think it multiple times a day.

I may have cancer.

And I may not.

I doubt that I do. It’s probably fine. He said there’s an 80% chance it’s nothing. But what if it’s something? Then what? How will I tell my children? What will we do?

It’s probably fine. But what if it’s not?

Waiting.

It’s funny how you never really spend much time thinking about something at all, and then a test result comes back that’s a little wonky – and in an instant the world is full of possibilities that didn’t seem to exist a moment before.

I may have cancer.

Suddenly the world feels a little less safe. A little more unsteady. A little more uncertain.

But wasn’t it really that way all along?

We are not guaranteed tomorrow. In fact, what we are guaranteed is that one day we will each experience our last – we just don’t know when that day will come.

Moments like this make me realize that a little more.

In these past couple of days, I have thought a lot about how I’m living my life. What matters? What doesn’t matter? What am I living for? When people see me – what do they see? Am I loving? Am I kind? How do I treat those around me? Am I sharing the love of God?

I want to share the love of God. Less of me. More of Him.

I am feeling a little rattled. A little unsteady. A little unsure. And at the same time, completely confident. I am unsure of what the results will be, but I do know this – I trust in the goodness of God. I trust in His plan. I know my life is in His hands. I know regardless of what the results are – I will be okay.

My days were numbered before one of them came to be.