Today, I knelt down in front of the ottoman that sits at the end of my bed, and as I watched this video with my hands folded tightly in front of me, I cried.
It wasn’t a sobbing, intense cry. It was a silent, tears falling slowly out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks cry. Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing wrong with the sobbing, no holds barred cry. In fact, I’m a huge fan. I believe it can be incredibly cleansing and, at times, extremely necessary.
I know some people, including myself, have called it the ugly cry. I guess from a superficial standpoint you can see why. When it’s happening, you may not sound the best you ever have, and by the time it’s over your face may not look the best, either.
After the last tear has fallen, you are usually left with a lot of snot, red puffy eyes and there’s a really good chance your shirt may be a little wet and snot covered, too.
But once you remove all of that superficial stuff, the ugly cry is really pretty beautiful.
It’s a true, outward expression of the pain (and sometimes even joy) that someone is overcome with in that moment. It’s raw, uncontrolled, passionate and purely authentic.
I will never forget the moment when I felt the true power of the ugly cry. Years ago, I was attending my friend’s mom’s funeral. His mom was a Filipino woman and in the final moments of the service, as we stood by her gravesite, there was a collective wailing that took place. It started with one or two women and suddenly, it was everywhere. Women wailing. Women falling. Women outwardly expressing the depths of the pain they were feeling internally. It was hard to watch. I remember actually turning away at one point because the intensity was so great. But at the same time, it was so beautiful. It was so real. They didn’t care what anyone around them thought – their hearts were broken and because of their pain, a collective cry of anguish was released into the air.
It was incredibly sad. And incredibly beautiful. There was nothing ugly about it.
For me, that kind of cry doesn’t happen often. And when it does happen, unlike the collective cry I heard at the gravesite – mine is rarely in the company of others. Nope. The sobbing, no holds barred, ugly cry is a rare, personal occurrence – only reserved for the moments of extreme loss and pain.
So no ugly cry for me today. Today, my tears fell slowly and silently as I listened to this beautiful song.
As you can probably tell from my writings lately, I am processing some stuff. Is it a mid-life crisis? Could be. Is it one of those exciting times of reflection and introspection that result in positive change? Very possibly.
Whatever the cause, this song ministered to my heart in a powerful way this morning. It brought me to my knees and reminded me that regardless of my circumstances, regardless of what I am thinking or feeling at any given moment – it’s what God says, it’s His truth, that matters.
If you haven’t heard this song (or even if you have) please take a moment to listen and to let the words touch your heart and soul.
This post is a homage to my previous blog. At the end of every post I would include a song that touched my heart. Like this one did this morning.
I hope you enjoy it. And if you find yourself with tears falling down your cheeks today (or maybe even in the middle of an ugly cry) know He is with you. He says you are loved. He says you are strong. He says you belong.
You are beautiful, my friend. Ugly cry and all.